In a recent interview I mentioned that self esteem is more valuable than self confidence. This initiated some discussion about how and why, so here is more detail on that thought.
The difference
Self esteem is our feeling of personal value, and self confidence is our expectations of success and failure. So self esteem helps us exist beyond things, while self confidence helps us to do things. We can have too much of one and not enough of the other. We have to think both of them into clarity and, sometimes, existence – either can be lost if not cherished, but also regained even if abandoned. They vary over time, and by context. Self esteem is the more consistent and self confidence is the more contextual.
The relative value
Self esteem's "why" is more powerful than self confidence's "how". Experience shows this is true. Winning confidently leaves us empty if we feel worthless, while losing uncertainly can be a triumphant lesson if we are feeling self assured.
How does this work?
Self Esteem as personal value
Self esteem is our value outside of success or failure and provides us with psychological defence. By separating our intrinsic value from our triumphs and missteps, and from the support, collaboration, competition, aggression and unkindness of others, self esteem rides the waves of the world. This enables self reflection instead of defensiveness. From this we learn from criticism rather than feeling distress. We avoid bitterness and regret, and respond to concern with grace and compassion. Importantly it gives us power to speak honestly with ourselves, so we can forgive, praise and support ourselves in the world.
Self Confidence as personal expectation
Self confidence defines our capacity for risk by defining our expectations to achieve success and survive failure.
It supports clarity and calmness in dangerous situations, supporting certainty and encouraging learning through experience.
When we succeed with self confidence we allow ourselves to feel justified, entitled and rewarded. And when we fail with self confidence we feel encouraged by what and how we've learned, becoming stronger and more complete in the process.
Extremes and conflicts
Self esteem and self confidence are linked but move independently. Extreme highs or lows are barriers to being good.
Too much
Too much self esteem means ignorance: our perspective is warped with self regard, we act with pride, ignore lessons, and disregard other people, perhaps unkindly.
Too much self confidence means trouble: we get ourselves into mischief by pushing too far, we ignore evidence and warnings, and dominate other people, perhaps unthinkingly. In both cases there is simply too much ‘self’. We become unattractive, unpleasant to be around and increasingly isolated. When excessively self confident we take extended and unappraised risks and become ill judged. We make ourselves both vulnerable and fragile by overriding evidence, experience and warnings. We create ever larger risks and failures that undermine our sense of personal value.
Too little
Too little self esteem means unhappiness: living by excuses, acting passively, feeling victimised and weak, and submitting to other people, perhaps unwisely. Too little self confidence means anxiety: living by avoidance, hesitation, self-recrimination, and feeling paralysed by the world and other people.
Interactions
When too much self esteem is paired with too little self confidence we are indecisive and stubborn. Inversely, when too little self esteem is paired with too much self confidence we are aggressive and psychologically reclusive. When both are too much we are simply unruly and overbearing. When both are too little we are inactive, cowed by uncertainty. Bringing them into balance is helpful – but not necessary for feeling good and doing good.
Surprising fortitude and inner strength are possible when you feel you have some value in the world, even if you lack the courage to take on its adventures. Strong self esteem compensates, in terms of our net feelings, for a lack of self confidence. Equally, a debilitating discouragement can overtake everything when you feel you have no value, even if you achieve the greatest possible outcomes. Strong self confidence does not compensate for a lack of self esteem.
So:
we can use self esteem to bring courage and improve self confidence
but
we can also use self confidence to allow cowardice to trade on low self esteem.
Balance
Self confidence helps protect us from risk, while self esteem helps protect us from unfairness. Fostering them helps us contribute to the world and to ourselves. The world is certainly full of risks. But it’s life's unfairness that most tests our mettle. The most powerful martial arts are defensive and not offensive. In a universe we can’t control the skills of defence add more value than those of attack.
And this is why I place more value on self esteem than self confidence.
